As a murder mystery play at a Doctor Who Club of Victoria meeting
12 August 1995
This is the Whodunnit that is remembered most, and it’s all my fault. Anyone who saw me play Sarah Jane and put on that incredibly high-pitched and annoying voice (along with the Hand of Fear costume) has it scarred deep into their psyche. Plot-wise, this one is weaker than Whodunnit II and harder to work out without a lucky guess, but including Duggan was a masterstroke!
K9 has gone to Silicon Heaven, and a number of friends and acquaintances have come together at its funeral. But while there, a shocking murder shall occur — the slaying of the First Doctor’s companion, Dodo. It is up to you, the viewer to solve the mystery — who killed Dodo, where did they do so and how was the vile deed done? If you can put together all three pieces of the mystery before private investigator Duggan can, there’s a prize in store for you!
The Second Doctor (Nadine Cranenburgh)
The Sixth Doctor (Mark Harding)
The Master (Tim Cutter)
Leela (April Claridge)
Sarah Jane Smith (David J Richardson)
Fifth Doctor (Daniel Payne)
Seventh Doctor (Colin Russell)
Group Captain Ian ‘Chunky’ Gilmore: (David Kitchen)
With Special Investigator Duggan (Richard Nolan)
The Console Room
Time-Space Visualiser Room
Tissue Compression Eliminator
[All bar SJS are standing around K9’s coffin. The Master is performing the service…]
Master: [Starts sombrely, as if really sad about K9’s passing. Talks slowly] We are gathered here today to mark the passing of our dear friend K9. K9 was known as… [At this stage goes nasty] …that tin mongrel who aided and abetted the Doctor’s nefarious plans to restore peace and harmony to the Universe. The little runt, the garrulous gargoyle, the ignominious clod, the bucket of rust, the —
[SJS runs in screaming]
SJS: She’s dead! She’s dead! Dodo’s dead!
[Everyone turns around slowly, then claps in applause politely]
SJS: No, no, really! Dodo’s dead!
[Everyone goes crazy with joy — high fives all-round, etc. Duggan then charges in]
Duggan: Did somebody say there’s been a murder?!
2nd: Great jumping gobstoppers! Who’s that?
Duggan: [Takes out 7 with one cruel punch to the jaw] The name’s Duggan. And I ask the questions — get it, little man? [Swings around and flattens 7 a second time as he staggers to his feet]
2nd: Well, ah… now that you mention it, not since Victoria left, no…
Duggan: [Grabs 2 and looks set to thump him] Shut up, little man! Now I hear that Dodo’s dead.
5th: Dodo’s been extinct for centuries!
6th: A shame — Dodo’s delicious. A good eating bird, especially in a white wine sauce, with sauteed carrots, beans, a light side salad — with a couple of lightly seared spatchcocks or a fried gumblejack for starters [begins to lick lips and drool] with, with chocolate mousse and whipped cream to follow and coffee and eclairs and —
Gilmore: Excuse me! As an Army officer, I abhor the implication that Doctor Who fandom is a haven for cannibalism! It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the Star Trek fans who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. Yours etc, Group Captain Ian Gilmore, in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.
Leela: Was that the girl who was not a warrior? She deserved to die — the weak enslave themselves.
Duggan: [Looking somewhat aggrieved at being ignored] Right, as far as I’m concerned, you’re all suspects! Now, sit down! [Everyone does] Let’s get some straight answers out of you before I start losing my temper. I think it’s time to start taking some statements — who wants to start? [Thumps 7 a third time and rounds on the Master] Now, who are you?
Master: I am the Master — and you will obey me.
Duggan: [Dismissively] I never trust men in black. [Turns to 6] And you?
6th: [Self importantly] I am Lord President of the Time Lords of Gallifrey! I am above such petty problems. I a man of passion, of art, a connoisseur of —
Duggan: Yeah, yeah, whatever you reckon. [Turns to comatose 7] Get up, you snivelling little man! [Realises for the first time the effect of his punches] My God, are you alright? Did anyone get his name?
5th: He is me and I am he. [Sees Duggan’s somewhat vacant look] Oh, for goodness sakes, we’re all High President of Gallifrey — me, and me and me there too. [Points to himself, 6, and 7 in turn]
2: All high and mighty now, I see. Well, we can’t all be great, can we — I had a universe to explore and save in my time…
7: [Dragging himself up from the floor] Yes, in glorious Black & White and 405 lines — the universe is much higher definition these days.
SJS: [Bursts into tears] But… but… but… Dodo’s dead!! She was my friend and now she’s dead and, and, and, [Collapses into tears again]
Leela: Be brave! This is not the way of the Sevateem!
SJS: But I’m not 17 — I’m 23! [Little look of pride appears]
Duggan: Whoa, whoa! OK, one by one. You are? [Points to people in order — they reply]
Master: Ah, you forgetful humans. I am the Master, and you will remember me… [said same way as ‘you will obey me’]
6th: I am the Doctor. The sixth, you might say.
5th: The Doctor. Fifth.
2nd: The Doctor. Second. Are you confused yet? It’s really quite simple.
Leela: I am Leela of the Sevateem.
Gilmore: Group Captain Ian Gilmore, at your service.
7: Chunky, we call him. I’m the Doctor, too. Seventh. We invited the others, but they couldn’t come. ‘K9?’ the first said. ‘What kind of name is that? In my day, we…’ and on he went. The third seemed to have something against robots that couldn’t climb stairs, and the fourth was stuck in a pub last I heard.
SJS: I’m, I’m Miss Sarah Jane Smith. I’m twenty-three. I’m an investigative reporter. Truly ruly.
Duggan: Right. Now you say you found the body?
SJS: Yes. It was in K9’s kennel in the TARDIS. It was heading into the doo-doo recycler.
6th: [Mutters] You sure it wasn’t a Dodo recycler…
Duggan: Huh? All this in a dog kennel?
7: I should explain. K9’s kennel is dimensionally transcendental — bigger on the outside than the inside. In his aging years, he tended to drop bits of metal everywhere, so I installed a cleaning system.
Duggan: Yeah. Right. So this Dodo was being — well, eaten up by the recycler? And was already dead?
SJS: Yes. It was yucky.
2nd: Wait a second! Why was she here in the first place? Dodo didn’t know K9!
5th: Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. You know when she got sent off for most of your — I mean, our — fight against WOTAN and his War Machines? Our fourth self and Romana were doing the baby-sitting. And what a baby she was. At the time, of course, she met K9. You really should keep more up-to-date, old-timer.
2nd: Old-timer! At least I’m not going bald!
5th: Don’t go to pieces over it — oh, sorry, that’s what cremation does to you…
Duggan: Argh! [To SJS] So how did she die? Did you see?
SJS: [Little voice] No. I got scared of all the blood as the cleaner got her…
6th: This is getting better and better!
Leela: Quiet, fat one, or I will cut out your heart!
Master: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah, such frivolity! I really should be taking notes…
Gilmore: Now look here, a murder has been committed. I suggest we properly avail ourselves to Mister Duggan here to help solve this mystery. Why do I have the feeling we’re being watched by others as well? Whatever…
Duggan: OK. Let’s start with the basics — when did people last see the deceased?
5th: She was at the cocktail party, oh, three hours ago. We held it by the TARDIS’ swimming pool. 6:00 TARDIS Oriented Time — TOT time. Actually, tots should be in bed by then.
SJS: I am not a tot!
2nd: There, there, dear. No one said that. Actually, young Dodo looked like she should have been a tee-totaller [Pronounced tee-TOT-aller]. She got rather drunk at the party.
7: In total, a rather bad night. [Again TOT-al emphasis]
Duggan: This is getting TOT-ally silly. Now, where were we?
Leela: She was a fool. One must never let down your defence.
Gilmore: I agree with you, young woman. I’d love to have seven of you in my unit (one for each day).
Sixth: I had just picked up Sarah and was still in the console room at 6:00 with her. I thought I had picked up the wrong person — I hadn’t realised Andy Pandy was based on someone till I saw her.
SJS: I do not look like Andy Pandy!
Duggan: Right then… Who knows where the deceased went after she left the party at the poolside?
Master: If I may, Mr Duggan. I was with the young woman, and the savage in the Time-Space Visualiser room at 6:30. I was instructing them on its use. I had tuned in to a particularly nasty war on the planet Q’ell. Miss Chaplet was most distressed. [Grins] I was in there from 6:00 with the Seventh Doctor also.
7: We were debating on the sizes of our visualisers. It was a mass-debate where both of us came out in front!
5: [To Master] So the Cheetah-People infection is just your excuse for having hairy hands?
Duggan: And where were you at this time, Group Captain? Hmmm?
Gilmore: Are you implying that I was doing something improper? I was in the Zero room, trying to clear my head after consuming too much liquid sustenance. It took quite a while. I must have been there an hour at least before I was interrupted by the Seventh Doctor.
7: You didn’t look very relaxed to me… Now that I think about it, your shoes had mud on them. I am not aware of any muddy corridors in the TARDIS…
Gilmore: This is preposterous. Are you stating I was lying?
Duggan: So where did you get the mud on your shoes?
Gilmore: They were dirty when I arrived.
Duggan: [To 6] Where did you go after you had recovered from picking up Andy Pandy?
6th: Myself and the young lady went to the poolside to join the party. Unfortunately everyone had gone — and so had the food. I was most upset. I was starving — I hadn’t eaten for at least, oh, 20 minutes?
5th: Well, I don’t trust the more senile members of myself. [Referring to 6 & 7] Myself and the Second Doctor went to the console room where we met the Seventh. The Second continued out of the TARDIS after we checked we had indeed arrived at the graveyard where K9 was to be buried. This was at 6:30.
Duggan [To 2] So where did you go after you left the TARDIS?
2nd: I went to the graveyard. I get my jollies from reading headstones. It’s a little hobby of mine I picked up somewhere… In retrospect, it must have been an omen, I suppose. I thought I saw somebody near the funeral parlour. [Emphasis on ‘omen’ and ‘body’ in the past two sentences]
Duggan: Maybe our fellow investigators have some more questions?
Questions from the audience
Duggan: So, did anyone see Dodo after 7:00?
Master: I left the savage with the dodo in the Time-Space Visualiser room at that time. They were arguing about what channel they were going to watch.
Leela: That is a lie! I did not like the machine. I left after the dark man to go to the graveyard to honour the dead. I think I heard some strange noises in the funeral parlour at the time.
Duggan: Did anyone see her go to the graveyard?
2nd: Sarah and myself were in the console room around that time. We didn’t see her go out but we did pass her at 1930 when she came back into the TARDIS.
Duggan: And where were you two off to?
2nd: We too went to pay our last respects to the dead.
Duggan: Was that Dodo by any chance?
2nd: It was most certainly not! We went to the funeral parlour to see K9’s coffin — we better get him some cough syrup. Actually, I think the funeral director could have prepared him better — his coffin looked roughed up. I’d swear there were scratches all over it.
SJS: Yes. But, but I got scared. So I ran away, and hid.
Duggan: Hid? Where did you hide? And why did you get scared?
2nd: More likely she was just making sure I didn’t take back the gob-stopper I gave her. She seems quite spoilt, really.
SJS: Am not! I… I don’t know why I ran away. I don’t remember. I didn’t know where I was; I saw Leela doing some weird dance in the graveyards later; she looked like she was celebrating or something. It was very frightening. It’s not often I get to stay up this late. There seemed to be an awful lot of people outside then.
Duggan: Right. [To 6] Now Messrs 6, where did you go after you found that there was no food at the party?
6th: After I found the kitchen had disappeared due to the TARDIS playing up, I ventured down to K9’s kennel. He has quite a large stash down there, you know.
Duggan: I see. And exactly how much food did you eat in there?
6th: Well, it’s like this. I nearly couldn’t fit back out of there. So I said to myself ‘Doctor’ I said. ‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘You’ve eaten too much again, haven’t you?’ ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘So what are we going to do about it?’ I said. ‘20 laps around the grave yard, I think’. ‘Ok,’ I said. It nearly killed me. Then again, not a bad place to die…
7: Yes, but you wouldn’t have to born there… So Dodo wasn’t in the kennel at the time?
Duggan: If you say so… [Turns to Gilmore] If you don’t mind me asking…
Gilmore: Would it matter?
Duggan: No, not really. Where did you go after you finished your mental cleansing?
Gilmore: The Seventh Doctor told me to go to the Time-Space Visualiser room to review famous battle manoeuvres. It sounded like he wanted to be alone…
Duggan: And what time was this?
Gilmore: Oh, about 7:30.
Duggan: [To 7] How come you wanted to be alone all of a sudden?
7: The Zero Room is most effective when one is isolated from all other life. Especially ones with closed military minds.
Duggan: I don’t buy it!
7: What, closed military minds? Why not, they’re a dime a dozen. Oh, I see what you mean. Well, you can believe whatever you want… I think "Chunky" here enjoys those battles a little too much… I could hear the battles he was viewing even when I was in the Zero Room. Suspiciously loud, perhaps. Anything could have occured without us hearing.
Duggan: [To 5] And what were you doing while all this funny business was going on?
5th: I was the bunny forced to clean up after the party. No one else would do it — everyone knows I’m a goody two shoes. They just left me everything — it took me nearly an hour.
6th: If you were the bunny, that would explain the strange pellets I found later there.
Duggan: Hmmmmm… What do my helpers think?
Question from the audience
Duggan: [To 5] Where did you go after you had finished cleaning up?
5th: I went to the funeral parlour to ponder about death, destruction, and despair, broken bodies everywhere. I’m quite good at that actually. I lost a companion once, you know…
All: We know! [Make puking gestures]
Duggan: [To 6] So you finished your laps?
6th: No, I’m still doing them now. [Deep sarcasm] I managed only one. I gave up and went inside to cool down in the pool.
Duggan: Leela was still in the graveyard, yes? Did you see where she went?
6th: I think I saw her heading in the direction of the Zero Room. But don’t quote me on that.
Duggan: ‘I think I saw her heading in the direction of the Zero Room’ [To Master] And what were you up to while these events were going on?
Master: I was studying the Console Room. It really needs some redecorating.
2nd: Hey! That’s my line! You certainly weren’t there by 8.00. I was, and got waylaid by that brigadier chap —
Gilmore: It’s Group Captain. Group Captain Gilmore.
2nd: [Ignoring him] And he wanted me to show him how the TARDIS’s defences worked. I told him about the Hostile Action Displacement System — it does what I always do: run away!
Duggan: How long did you stay there, Brig — I mean, Group Captain?
Gilmore: Until the funeral service. Fascinating machine, this. If England had a few of these…
Duggan: I see… Now, Sarah — where did you go when you ran from the funeral parlour?
SJS: For the last time — I’m not a little girl! [Jumps up and down] I hid in the grave yard… The Seventh Doctor was also there, but he didn’t see me. He was talking about how he would have to clear up all of K9’s things.
Duggan: [To 7] What were you out there for? And how long?
7: I was there until the service started. I was brooding. I like to brood.
5th: When did I become a chicken? Do you lay eggs?
Gilmore: You mean we’ve got a female Doctor at last?
Duggan: [To 6] Now, Mr I’ll Eat Whatever I Please Doctor, where were you just before the funeral?
6th: I was in the Zero room, thinking about losing weight. Little Sarah came in briefly — she looked lost or distracted. But she left quickly.
Duggan: [To 2] And you; where did you go after escaping from Gilmore?
2nd: I went to the Time-Space Visualiser room. I never had the chance to use it in my day.
5th: You know, TVs have gotten a lot smaller since the Sixties…
Duggan: Leela, did you go to the Zero Room as the Sixth Doctor said? And why?
Leela: I wanted to free my mind from all the spirits in the burial ground. My mind went completely blank…
Gilmore: Not all that difficult in your case! Chop chop, keep your mind sharp, your guard up and your shoes clean, as I always say.
Duggan: And after that?
Gilmore: Well, defeat the enemy, of course.
Duggan: No, not you! Leela, where did you head after this brain cleansing?
Leela: I went back to the pool. The Doctor taught me about this ritual called bathing which one must perform before formal occasions.
SJS: Oooh. Dat’s rude.
Gilmore: And of course she wasn’t washing blood off or anything…
Leela: Watch your tongue — it will be on the other side of the room if you are not careful!
Duggan: [trying to diffuse situation] Master… After you left the console room, where did you go?
Master: I went back to the Time-Space Visualiser room. I was there — alone — so I could check up on future encounters. This was at 8:00 TOT hours.
2nd: He wasn’t there at 8.30 when I got there.
Master: I had gone to the graveyard to prepare myself for the ceremony.
7: How come I didn’t see you then?
Master: Or I you for that matter…
7: It’s a big graveyard.
Master: Indeed. And you are a small man.
5th: Tell that to my successor here! [points at 6]
Duggan: Can anyone suggest anything else they saw? Anything suspicious? Or will I be forced to go to the ridiculous step of turning to the audience for help?
Leela: I thought I sensed some animal in the TARDIS later in the night. Either that or someone was being very careful to hide their tracks.
Master: A ferret, perhaps? [Glares at 7 meaningfully]
7: Ridiculous! My ferret is perfectly tame, and hasn’t been anywhere all night. But there are certainly muddy tracks all through the TARDIS — it’ll take forever to clean up.
6th: Funny, isn’t it, that K9’s kennel is the only self-cleaning area? And who installed that device? [Also gets a glare at 7, who fumes quietly]
2nd: Actually, now that I think of it, I thought I saw a light in the funeral parlour at 6:30 while I was in the graveyard. And everyone says they weren’t there then, right? [Everybody nods in agreement] Hmmmm…
SJS: Um, when I met the fat one —
6th: Fat one? Fat one?! FAT ONE!!!
SJS: [Whimpers] When I saw him in the Zero Room, he didn’t look very wet to me. He looked quite exhausted, actually.
6th: [Sarcastic] Well, my dear, towels have developed a long way since your primitive time. We’re not as wet behind the ears now. And why weren’t you at the funeral anyway? You probably just killed her then.
SJS: I didn’t! I didn’t! I just got lost. The TARDIS is v-e-r-y big. And I’d lost my pencil and was trying to find it.
5th: Gilmore — you were in the console room from 8:00 to 9:00. So you’d see anyone passing by. Did you?
Gilmore: Well, I must admit I got a bit involved in the defenses — Doctor, you really must give one of these to the British Government. Let’s see, I think I saw Ms Smith come in. And of course, everyone going out to the funeral. Also, I don’t remember the Second Doctor having an injured hand when he was with me in there at 8:00…
2nd: Oh, it’s just a scratch…
Leela: And how do we know you were there all that time? No one saw you.
Gilmore: I’m a British Officer, madam! It must be the truth.
Duggan: And on that note, let’s see if my helpers can suggest anything…
Questions from the audience, then collect people’s conclusions on where who with what. Laugh at them.
Duggan: I trust you’ve all solved the mystery. Even a thick guy like me has. Let’s have a look at each of the suspects in turn. First, Gilmore. Well, maybe there’s a bit of blood lust there, but then again, that’s his job. Dodo is a British subject, so I find it hard to believe it was him. There’s still the question of his dirtied boots, however. For someone who made a point of quoting how he likes his boots clean, I can’t imagine him having them dirty when he was in the Zero Room. He says he was in there from 6:00 till 7:00, but his boots suggest he went outside in the mud. Mayhaps, Group Captain [sarcastic tone on his rank] you were checking K9’s coffin?
Gilmore: Oh, it’s a fair cop. Who wouldn’t? Not after all the fuss with the last coffin the Doc here brought to my attention! But that’s all, I swear!
Duggan: I think I believe you. Now, Doctor 5, I believe we can clear you too. You’re just too much of a wimp.
5th: Oh. OK. If you say so. [Meekly]
Duggan: Let me just test a theory here. [Strolls over to 6, before suddenly giving a tap on the belly. 6 yelps in pain] Yep — you have been eating all night. You’re too single-minded to have planned this murder.
6th: Actually, I’ve still got a stitch from doing that lap around the graveyard.
Duggan: And about 40 more from when you split your tummy open last year…
6th: What?! I though no-one knew about that — [Tails off; looks sheepish]
Duggan: Well, they do now. Now, Ms Smith. Well, I just don’t to talk about you. Someone send her to bed. I had my suspicions when I heard how you ran off with that gob-stopper, and how you never seemed to be at any firm place, but later evidence filled in the gap and incriminated someone else…
[SJS lets out her breath in one great gasp, having held it in tension]
Duggan: Now Leela is supposedly the last to have seen the deceased. Which makes her a prime suspect. However, she was seen leaving the TARDIS early on, and didn’t return for some time, while Dodo appears to have stayed on the ship. So that rules her out. And she does smell better now — she must have had that bath she mentioned. Now, as for the Second Doctor: well, they couldn’t make you the killer two years in a row. Besides, in a costume that size, even Dodo, if spraining her ankle in true companion style —
Duggan: — even if spraining her ankle, could get away from you. Though how you suffered that wound to your hand I’d like to know.
2nd: Actually, I didn’t want to reveal this. It was some kind of animal that attacked me in the Time-Space Visualiser Room at 8:30. I think [thoughtful, foreboding pause] — I think it could have been a ferret…
7: [Sudden panic] What? Well, it’s not mine! It’s wasn’t me! I was outside the TARDIS then, like Sarah said. And Gilmore didn’t see me come back in —
Duggan: Exactly! And the Master claims to have been outside at that time as well. In fact, I believe he lied then — Gilmore or Doctor 5, did you see him pass you? [Shaking of heads] Precisely — because he and a ferret of his own were killing Dodo at that very time, 8:00, in the Time-Space Visualiser room! The Second Doctor arrived just afterwards, and the ferret attacked him as well before running. When he claimed to be at the funeral parlour before the ceremony, he was in fact dragging Ms Dodo’s body to the kennel to cover up the evidence.
Master: Curses! My plans fall asunder! And that savage saw me when I was in the funeral parlour early in the night, trying to break into K9’s coffin. This was supposed to be the time of my lives! And I almost got —
Duggan: Stop right there. I’ve got a little something I haven’t done for three acts, and I’m itching to do again. [Strides up to the Master, who stands up uncertainly] This! [Punches him out. Everyone applauds, including, hopefully, the audience!]
And for all those confused, here’s the breakdown.
|Console Room||Funeral Parlour||Graveyard||Kennel||Pool||Time/Space Visualiser||Zero Room|
|6:00||6, SJS||Dodo, 2, 5, Leela||7, Master||Gilmore|
|6:30||5, 7||Gilmore||2||SJS, 6||Dodo, Leela, Master|
|7:00||2, SJS||Master||Leela||6||5||Dodo||7, Gilmore|
|7:30||2, SJS (who runs off)||6, Leela||Dodo, Master (says he’s in the Console Room)||5||Gilmore||7|
|8:00||Gilmore, 2||5||SJS, 7||6||Master & ferret kill Dodo||Leela|
|8:30||Gilmore||5||7||Master drags Dodo here (says he’s in the Console Room again)||Leela||2||6, SJS|
|9:00||All bad SJS||SJS|
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This page last updated by David J Richardson on Wed, 8 Jan 2003.